I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
