Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
