In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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