Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
