All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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