If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
