that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
