you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
