so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
