I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
