she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
