from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
