Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
