He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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