I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
A bitchslap is in order.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
