Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
