I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
