Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
false alarm. still invincible.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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