mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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