Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
