My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
