just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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