Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
