I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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