the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
