god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
