You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
