When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize