i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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