Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
