i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
