I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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