dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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