How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
