Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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