There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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