If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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