you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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