Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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