so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
