I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize