i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize