hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
