I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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