Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
