made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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