Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
