omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
