i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
