I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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