just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
