Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
