the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
