if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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