happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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