Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
