i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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