If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
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