i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
