Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
